Chapter 1: The God of Losers
I died.
Cause of death: industrial accident.
They’ll probably put a 3D model of my accident up on the Korea Occupational Safety and Health Agency site as a warning. “Be careful, everyone.”
Anyway, I died.
But even after dying, I never imagined I’d be writing this.
A self-introduction letter.
A document where you answer about eight questions to introduce yourself to a company.
I handed it over to the man sitting in front of me.
He stared at it blankly, then looked at me like an interviewer sizing someone up.
“So, if you had to summarize your life in one word, what would it be?”
The guy in front of me—dignified yet somehow approachable—asked with a benevolent face. Wait, maybe not a guy. Maybe not even human.
The ground beneath me isn’t solid; I’m standing on fluffy, drifting clouds. So yeah, he could be a god.
Right after dying in that industrial accident, I met him, and he immediately started investigating my life.
I don’t know why, but I decided to answer anyway.
“Feels like I was a slave, I guess?”
“A slave?”
“Yeah. School days just passed by without much thought, nothing special. But once I entered society… yeah, pretty much a slave.”
“Hmm.”
“I met so many people while working, and it feels like they all just used me.”
I said it calmly.
He seemed satisfied with the answer.
The being in front of me—god or human, I still couldn’t tell—clapped his hands happily.
“That’s exactly why I’ve appeared before you in death. Do you know why so many people took advantage of you?”
“Because I’m an idiot?”
“No—it’s because of all those female ‘friends’!!!”
Huh? Suddenly?
…Is this guy a god or just an idiot?
When I tilted my head in confusion, he launched into a passionate rant.
“You, Min Juchan!!! You granted every single request from women. Carrying their bags, buying them beef, hand cream, clothes, you name it!!! And because of that, even the guys started treating you like a pushover, and that’s how everyone turned you into their slave!!!”
“…That feels like a huge stretch.”
“Finally! A loser even greater than Season 1 has appeared before me!!!”
[TL Note: Above “Season 1” refers to a previous pushover the god helped. He jokingly treats each person he helps like a new ‘season’ of a series. The wording can sound confusing in English, but it’s a meta-joke common in Korean webnovels.]
He wasn’t listening at all. He was jumping around like a kid who’d just gotten presents.
“Min Juchan! Aren’t you resentful?”
“I—”
“Yeah, I know even without you saying it. You must be full of regrets. You drove drunk female friends home more than twenty times, but not once did you hear ‘Wanna come up for ramen?’ Sniff sniff sniff.”
Should I just kill this bastard?
While I was seriously considering it, the god stepped right up to me.
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am the God of Losers, Season 2!!!”
“…There was a Season 1?”
“Yeah. That guy’s living happily ever after now, so forget him! You’re Season 2.”
“Judging by your face, it seems like Season 1 was so long ago you can’t remember.”
“Moving on! Anyway, I’m sending you back to the past. To late 2017, right before you became the slave of countless female friends.”
“Wait, hold on. You keep calling me a slave, but I’m not one. I just treated people nicely, that’s all.”
“Tsk tsk tsk. Why do losers never realize they’re losers? We decided to call people like you pushover.”
“Fine, deny it all you want, but you’ll just keep pushing anyway. So let’s say that’s true. What exactly are you proposing?”
“I’m sending you back to the past! To 2017!”
“And?”
I answered curtly. The God of Losers tilted his head.
“Huh? Aren’t you happy?”
“Not really… I mean…”
“What kind of reaction is that? You’re supposed to say, ‘Please send me back! I’ll get revenge on all those female friends who used me! I’ll make them regret everything!’ That kind of reaction!”
“Don’t make weird sound effects like that with that face. Hmm… Honestly, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”
“Why?”
“I’m tired.”
“Tired from making money?”
“I do want to make a lot of money. I want to live rich too.”
“Then why?”
“Human relationships are such a hassle.”
“Huh?”
“Look at how I lived—like a total pushover. I’m exhausted. Spending energy on people is tiring.”
I picked at my ear as I answered. The God of Losers freaked out.
“No no no! Don’t be like that—go back and live again. If you make money with coins and stocks, human relationships will change!”
“It’ll probably get way more exhausting.”
“Why?”
“To protect the money, I’ll have to work my ass off. Then people will come asking to borrow money, asking me to invest. I’ll have to fend all those people off.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“See? So forget it. I’m tired. These days the competition is insane, there’s no trust, no faith, no love between people. When someone does well, nobody celebrates—they just try to cut their ankles out from under them. Even celebrities get bled dry by their own families. I’m exhausted with the modern world. So I really don’t feel like reincarnating. Just end Season 2 here.”
“Aren’t you resentful that you died a forever-alone virgin?”
“Honestly, I feel relieved. Imagine if I had gotten married and had someone I was tied to. I’d be standing here worrying about that person right now and feeling miserable. It’s better that I didn’t have anyone.”
“Tsk…… You must still be exhausted since you just died. But listen. You’re saying this because you’ve never been to a really good ‘restaurant’ yet.”
“Reincarnation has good restaurants too?”
“Not exactly restaurants, but there’s something special. You can grow through fusion.”
“Fusion?”
“I mean sex!”
This bastard’s brain has been pickled in porn comics.
I shook my head wearily, but the God of Losers continued in a booming voice.
“You can fuse with people from your past connections and earn points. Those points can be converted into money or turned into abilities.”
“Abilities like what?”
“You can upgrade your appearance to be insanely handsome, or become good at singing. How’s that? Fucking awesome, right?”
“Sounds fucking awful to me.”
“Huh?”
“I think you didn’t hear me properly. I said I don’t want to get involved with people anymore. To fuse, I’d still have to meet and interact with them, wouldn’t I?”
“Well… yeah.”
“Pass. Not interested.”
While working at the company I met countless people, got hurt, hurt others, fought, made up, became friends, became enemies.
And now you want me to mix bodies with them too?
Everything is just exhausting now.
“Just reincarnate me as a rock or something. Let me just sit there blankly and watch.”
I said it like someone in this era of great celibacy and great anti-romance—no interest in sex drive at all.
He clearly hadn’t expected this reaction. The God of Losers looked flustered.
“Th-this… this isn’t supposed to happen?”
“It is happening.”
“You seriously don’t want to reincarnate? You don’t want to fuse with your old female friends?!”
“Nope. I’m more herbivore than a Triceratops.”
“You’re just holding out, right?”
“Nope, dead serious.”
“…F-fine! Then—”
“Nope. I’m good. Send me back.”
“Wait, listen first. I’ll give you three abilities you can buy with points in advance.”
“I’ll listen, at least. What are they?”
“First one is your face. Level 5.”
“Level 5 means?”
“Level 1 is bottom-tier. Level 3 is average. Level 5 is city-level handsome. Level 7 is nationwide. Level 9 is world-class.”
“I see.”
“Why aren’t you moved at all?”
“If I become super handsome, even more people will approach me. I’m fine the way I am now.”
“Your face is fucking terrible right now.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your mug is straight-up awful.”
“Excuse me?”
“Triggered? A little scratch?”
Yeah, I should kill this guy.
Right as I was about to have my first-ever fistfight with a god, the God of Losers hurriedly continued.
“Second one: height. Your current height is—”
“173 cm.”
“I’ll make it 183 cm.”
“I see.”
“Show some excitement!”
“Whatever. What’s the last one?”
“The last one is an ability you can use whenever you need it.”
“Whenever I need it?”
“Yeah. Singing, dancing, whatever—you can learn anything. Not everything is available, so you’ll have to try it out yourself when the time comes.”
“I see.”
“Stop with the ‘I see’ already!!! You’re giving me a nervous breakdown. Anyway, how about it? Ready to go back to the past now?”
“So which region’s rock are you turning me into?”
Still zero interest. I just want to rest now.
When I showed him I was completely serious, the God of Losers went pale.
“This can’t be happening… Season 1 was supposed to be the playboy running around fusing everywhere. How did Season 2 end up with a guy like this…?”
“Then call back Season 1.”
“Can’t do that.”
“Why?”
“I told you already. I can’t remember. It’s been too long. Anyway, now it’s just you.”
“Wow… Of all people, it had to be me. Tsk tsk tsk.”
“You little shit, just be happy already!!! Fine, looks like we have to use the last card.”
The God of Losers scattered some sparkling powder toward the sky.
The specks drifted down like the first snow and melted into my body.
“What is this?”
“I’ve shared a portion of my divine power with you. It’s called <Sex Traffic Light>.”
“…You didn’t just stick ‘sex’ in front of traffic light, did you? That name sounds like something a cringey middle-aged guy would come up with.”
“That was the best my brain could come up with. Just accept it.”
“Fine, out of respect for the effort, I’ll hear you out. So what does it do?”
“I should summon a proper sample first.”
The God of Losers muttered some grumpy incantation. A woman appeared in front of us. Total stranger.
Above her head floated a vertical traffic light.
Green, yellow, red.
I’ve read enough porn manhwa to get the gist.
“Green means ‘go ahead and fuse,’ right?”
He shook his head.
“No. Green means her sexual fantasy has been fulfilled. If you do it at that moment, you get a special reward.”
“Sounds even more like work. What about yellow?”
“Neutral zone—you can do it or not. Reward is average.”
“And red? Guess that means don’t do it.”
“Nope. The opposite. If you don’t do it, you die.”
“Huh?”
“If you don’t, you die right there.”
“Is it painful?”
“Like tiny cuts all over your body, then someone pours Merthiolate (that stinging red antiseptic) on them.”
“Fuck, man.”
“Heh heh. See? Should’ve just said yes earlier. Red means the other person is intensely craving you. Skip it and you die. But the reward is just as special as green. Alright! I’ve said everything I needed to. See ya!”
And just like that, the God of Losers vanished.
I was left alone in this cloudy sub-space.
Is this a dream? Reality?
And I’m just supposed to disappear like this?
I plopped down in a daze.
“This guy’s insane… Says his piece and dips. I still don’t even know what’s going on.”
—The rest you’ll figure out as you experience it.
A voice echoed inside my head. I jerked my head down in surprise.
“Scared the shit out of me!!! Where are you?!”
—Inside your mind! Teehee!
“Teehee my ass. Don’t play voyeur and just show yourself.”
—We’re one body now, so I can’t. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention. Because the Sex Traffic Light is active, you’ve been given two curses.
“What are they?”
—First: You can only do it with people whose faces you’ve seen at least once in the past!!! Since you went to all-boys middle school, all-boys high school, and engineering college and barely met any girls back then… most of them are probably going to be the female coworkers you worked with in society.
“And the second?”
—When this moment comes around again, you have to get married.
“I’m a confirmed bachelor. I didn’t even want to date, let alone marry.”
—That’s why it’s a curse. Should’ve just behaved and accepted it nicely when I was being kind.
“What happens if I don’t?”
—You get sent back to 2017 again. Trapped in an infinite swamp of being a pushover forever.
So my dream of becoming a rock is truly impossible?
—Just try. Work hard and you’ll make it. Now, off to 2017 we go.
Suddenly everything went bright.